Out of place

I love a sunny spring in England! I went for a long run this morning, something I would never do in Mbeya (too hilly, too hard due to the altitude, too many people staring). It felt so good to pace around the country lanes, the sun on my face, daffodils bobbing in the breeze, pale yellow primroses and carpets of celandines gracing lush green banks, shy cowslips hidden in a corner and leafless hedgerows now dressing themselves in dainty white blossom. I’d been wanting to enjoy a British spring for a while, I’d even booked a holiday to the UK for the end of May to at least get the end of it and enjoy long summer evenings and celebrate mum’s significant birthday with the family. But it all feels a bit like a dream. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and find myself back in my bed in Mbeya. Because I wasn’t supposed to be here.

Tanzania is such a peaceful country that evacuation has never felt like a serious possibility. But it’s happened, and our leadership had their reasons for making that decision. So now I am here, delighted by the English spring and yet also confused and feeling out of place. The thing is, normally when I am in England I am here on furlough – I am here with the specific purpose of catching up with friends, visiting churches, sharing about the work in Tanzania and teaching. In order to do this well and really connect with people, I usually disconnect from my life in Tanzania to a significant extent. I stay loosely in touch with friends and support my colleagues there when needed, but my main focus is on people and life in England. When I am in Tanzania the opposite is true (though to a slightly lesser extent, as I am away from England for much longer periods and so I invest more time in communication in order to maintain the relationships). But now these two largely separate communities are no longer in their usual compartments in my life. I am in England but not on furlough – I am physically here but I am working as if in Mbeya. 

Suddenly separated from colleagues and friends, this isn’t a time to be staying ‘loosely in touch’, we want to stay closely connected, because we are a community continuing to serve Tanzanian communities, even if we are currently scattered across Europe, America and Tanzania. However, as I am now physically located in England the natural desire is also to engage with my church family here and friends around the country. The additional challenge is that all of this has to be done virtually (except for with my parents), which means that all those little daily interactions with individuals or groups can now only happen when you are intentional about it. When you are trying to do that with so many people it’s pretty intense and generally involves more one-to-one online conversations, rather than group times, which of course means it takes more time to stay connected with all the people in your community. So I feel torn – how do I stay adequately connected with everyone? I miss my colleagues and friends in Tanzania and want to know what’s going on in their lives as we unexpectedly find ourselves far apart, but psychologically it’s hard to do that as much as I would like, because of what I shared above and because sadly the adage “out of sight, out of mind” also plays into the situation. And even if I didn’t plan to be in England right now, I am, and so I also want to spend (virtual) time with my family and friends here. So if you are reading this, please be patient with me if I seem distant, it’s going to take some working out!

I have so much to be thankful for, besides the spring – a place to stay, the companionship of my parents, plentiful food, good health, good internet connection. So I need to accept that this is where I am and seek to make the most of this unique situation that we find ourselves in. What new ways may I discover for supporting the work in Tanzania? How can I use my skills and gifts from a distance? (Ideas of Bible teaching by correspondence for my colleagues are already floating around my mind). I have also been meditating a lot on Psalm 46 in recent days. Particular phrases stand out to me at this time: “ever-present help” (v1, NIV) – constant, always there, eternal; “the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved” (v4-5, ESV) – that’s our ultimate home, with God, a certain home that won’t be moved; “The LORD Almighty is with us” (v7 & 11) – at the beginning of the year I felt God gave me the phrase “I am with you”, which crops up so many times in Scripture, as my motto for the year, and it looks like He gave it me with good reason, maybe for such a time as this! In the midst of the confusion, God’s constant presence and the hope of our eternal home with him is the rock on which we can stand in this storm, it’s the truth that we can trust when everything is uncertain and it’s the reality that can give us peace even when we feel unsettled and out of place.